An Important Reminder...

...that you are NOT "Just a Bitter Woman"

"You’re just bitter”

This is a phrase commonly used to silence women.

Another variation says, “You are so unforgiving”.

The bitterness accusation is used to bully a woman and tell her how she “should” feel instead of asking her how she does feel. Someone who uses this label expects her to pretend there has been no harm, no foul.

She is expected to pretend the one who hurt her is a great person, even if she knows he is a terrible person. If she does not pretend, it is because she is “bitter and unforgiving”.

Abusers nearly always sling this accusation at their victims. She may have accepted him back with open arms after a dozen violent episodes, but the first time she hesitates to “forgive and forget” he will tell her she is a bitter and unforgiving person.

If only it stopped there. The world does not want to hear the voice of the abused, either. Let her speak of abuse in the divorce hearing, and the judge may roll his eyes. When he makes his ruling concerning child support and visitation, he will keep in mind that the woman is “bitter”.

The fact is no one wants to hear it.

The message to abused women:

Shut up about it. Go back to being ashamed, as if that hand across your face had left a nasty stain that made you evil rather than him.

It is not dignified or proper to speak of the ugliness of abuse. It offends our sensibilities. By making us hear about your experience, you are violating our sheltered little world. We can forgive the man for hitting you, but we cannot forgive you for having the bad manners to actually talk about it.

Speaking the truth is not a sign of bitterness. It is a sign of wholeness and stark, unblinking courage.

It takes guts to go beyond “He abused me” and say “He held a pillow over my face until I thought I was dying”, or even “He did things so unspeakable, I cannot make myself say them”.

Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”.

A woman may know the truth without speaking it, and she may in silence escape her own situation. But a lone woman with sealed lips will not change the world. It is not only the woman who must be set free; society itself needs to be set free from a culture of violence against women.

We must speak the truth to our society, so that we can all be set free.

(SOURCE)

Bullies (Part 2)

Projection

Your face is a mirror of the image the narcissist projects onto, so he represses his REAL SELF and project all his failures, hurt, pain, anger onto you so he can tell you "It's you that has the problem" and not him. His mask of sanity is a fake self, it isn't the real him.... he represses the real him and projects that side of him onto you.

Has your abuser ever accused you of the most vile, cruel lies? Accused you of being crazy? Twisted everything you say into something grotesque? Most of us have experienced that with the NP in our lives. We are left emotionally reeling. The hurt can be nearly unbearable. You were likely experiencing 'projection'. To make things simple, he is accusing you of what he is THINKING, DOING OR PLANNING. It is very hurtful to us when they project their thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and impulses and pathololgise the people they target.

Projection is not an easy concept to learn. We need to twist our way of thinking. An important part of realizing projection is to remember Psychopaths have the emotional maturity of a 5-year old!! They are like the little boy caught breaking a toy who says "Jimmy made me do it". "Look what you made me do!" Now the Psychopath 'projects' on us as they accuse us... "You're the one whose cheating, destroying the marriage, lying etc.

Those terribly cruel words hurt us so very much. We are devastated trying to understand where they came up with the idea. What could we have done that they reacted so vehemently about? We are stunned by their words. They hurt us to the core.

So, you ask yourself "Is he doing this just to be intentionally and horribly cruel? He must know it's ridiculous. Maybe he's using it as a way to end the relationship, but what a terrible way to do it". That is your rational and very logical reasoning trying to make sense of what's happening. The truth can be even uglier. He is indeed saying what he is doing, thinking or planning. Coming to this realization can give you a glimpse into the hell of their mind. It is a defence mechanism of their disordered psyche. 

Professionals are trained to recognize it. Doctors use it as a barometer in diagnosing a psychiatric problem vs. a physiological one. Even the most trained and hardened psychotherapy professionals who often get the brunt of this have a hard time dealing with it. Our own normal egos get damaged.

Expect endless blame and criticism often for trivial nitpicking things. Expect them to 'split' you into a good or bad person instantaneously as their defence mechanisms kick in to protect their psyche.

The personality disordered will always be able to find a scapegoat.

(SOURCE)

Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. 

Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. 

When the bully makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it is the bully who is a coward or has a negative attitude.

When the symptoms of psychiatric injury become apparent to others, most bullies will play the Mental Health Trap, claiming their target is "mentally ill" or "mentally unstable" or has a "mental health problem". It is more likely that this allegation is a projection of the bully's own mental health problems. 

It is a key identifying feature of a person with a personality disorder or psychopathic personality that, when called to account, they will accuse the person who is unmasking them of being the one with the personality disorder or psychopathic personality from which the bully suffers.

(SOURCE)

Bullies (Part 1)

The Serial Bully

The violence committed by a serial bully is almost entirely psychological, for psychological violence leaves no scars and no physical evidence. Most commonly the violence takes the form of verbal abuse and emotional abuse including trivial nit-picking criticism, constant fault-finding combined with a simultaneous refusal to recognise, value, acknowledge and praise. Manipulation, isolation and exclusion are other favourite tactics, as is feigning victim-hood or persecution, especially when held accountable.

The objectives of serial bullies are Power, Control, Domination and Subjugation. These are achieved by a number of means including disempowerment, the stimulation of excessive levels of fear, shame, embarrassment and guilt, manipulation (especially of emotions and perceptions), ritual humiliation and constant denial. When you live with someone who is constantly denying what they said or did a day ago, or an hour ago, or even a minute ago, it drives you crazy. When the symptoms of injury to health start to become apparent, the bully will tell others you have a "mental health problem". You may be mad, but this is not mad insane, this is mad angry.

Control is a common indicator of the serial bully at home - control of finances, control of movements, control over choice of friends, control of the right to work, control over what to think, and so on. All are designed to disempower the victim.

A favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:
a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarrelling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and
b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people's attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict

Bullies within the family, especially female bullies, are masters (mistresses?) of manipulation and are fond of manipulating people through their emotions (e.g. guilt) and through their beliefs, attitudes and perceptions. Bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation, and are especially prone to exploiting those who are most emotionally needy. Elderly relatives, those with infirmity, illness, those with the greatest vulnerability, or those who are emotionally needy or behaviourally immature family members are likely to be favourite targets for exploitation.

The family bully encourages and manipulates family members etc to lie, act dishonourably and dishonestly, withhold information, spread misinformation, and to punish the target for alleged infractions, i.e. the family members become the bully's unwitting (and sometimes witting) instruments of harassment.

Bullies are adept at distorting peoples' perceptions with intent to engender a negative view of their target in the minds of family members, neighbours, friends and people in positions of officialdom and authority; this is achieved through undermining, the creation of doubts and suspicions, and the sharing of false concerns, etc. This poisoning of people's minds is difficult to counter, however explaining the game in a calm articulate manner helps people to see through the mask of deceit and to understand how and why they are being used as pawns.

The bully may try to establish an exclusive relationship (based on apparent trust and confidence) with one family member such that they (the bully) are seen as the sole reliable source of information; this may be achieved by portraying the target (and certain other family members) as irresponsible, unstable, undependable, uncaring, unreliable and untrustworthy, perhaps by the constant highlighting - using distortion and fabrication - of alleged failures, breaches of trust, lack of reliability, etc.

The process is reinforced by inclusion of the occasional piece of juicy gossip about the target's alleged misdemeanours or untrustworthiness in respect of relationships and communication with people. Mostly this is projection. The objective is to manipulate the family member's perceptions and create a dependency so that the family member comes to rely exclusively on the bully and see the bully as the sole source of reliable information whilst distrusting everyone else. Any person who is capable of exposing and breaking the dependency is targeted with venom and will find their name blackened at every opportunity.

When close to being outwitted and exposed, the bully feigns victim-hood and turns the focus on themselves - this is another example of manipulating people through their emotion of guilt, e.g. sympathy, feeling sorry, etc. Female serial bullies are especially partial to making themselves the centre of attention by claiming to be the injured party whilst portraying their target as the villain of the piece. When the target tries to explain the game, they are immediately labelled "paranoid". Attention-seeking behaviour is common with emotionally immature people.

The serial bully is easy to spot once you know what you are looking at: Jekyll and Hyde nature, compulsive lying, manipulation (or emotions, perceptions, beliefs, etc), unpredictability, deception, denial, arrogance, narcissism, attention-seeking, etc - whilst always charming and plausible, especially when impressionable witnesses are present. For the full profile of the serial bully, see below. Everybody knows someone in their life with this profile - who is it in your life?

Profile of the Serial Bully

• is a convincing, practised liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
• has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act
• excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
• uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
• is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form - but there's no substance
• is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
• is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic
• relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a "normal" human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
• is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly
• cannot be trusted or relied upon
• fails to fulfil commitments
• is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
• is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy
• exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse
• in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy
• holds deep prejudices (e.g. against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret
• is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and un-touch ability
• has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
• is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually un-knowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
• displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence
• shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water
• flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you've never had a proper conversation
• refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer
• is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability
• undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
• is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
• is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviour
• may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
• is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
• gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
• is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (e.g. guilt)
• poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions
• when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
• is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
• often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behaviour and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
• is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation
• is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
• is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy
• is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
• is always a taker and never a giver
• is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
• often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus
• often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
• knows the words but not the song
• is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication
• sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability and is often a committee-aholic or apparent workaholic

Responsibility

The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people.

SOURCE

The House on Gilmore Street

Please click here:

http://libertyfromlies.blogspot.com/2009/11/house-on-gilmore-street.html

or the original source here:

http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2009/11/house-on-gilmore-street.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email

and pass it on

Thank You

Narcissism Quotes

Narcissism Book of Quotes -

Christmas a Little Early, Can You Help?

Noah Biorkman is a 5 year old boy who is in his last stages of neuroblastoma cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle. His family is celebrating Christmas this week and all he wants is Christmas cards. Let's try and see how many we can get to him from all over the world.

His address is:

Noah Biorkman c/o 99.5
WYCD 2201
Woodward Heights Blvd.
Ferndale, MI 48220-1511,
USA

Please re-post this to help spread the word about Noah!!

Acting Like It Didn't Happen

Imagine that just yesterday, the malignant narcissist in your life abused you. He or she flew into a rage at you. Maybe they beat you. Maybe they spread vicious lies about you. Maybe they deeply wounded one of the children. Whatever. They attacked you, or a loved one, and treated the victim like dirt.

Now today the narcissist walks into the room acting as though it didn’t happen.

What are you to do?

Are you to act as though it didn’t happen, too?

Ah, “forgiveness,” right? Wrong.

What if the person who had attacked you was a stranger on the street? If you come upon him again today, are you going to act as though it didn’t happen? Are you going to treat him like you trust him? Like you have nothing against him? Like he is a good person?

Of course not! He attacked you, so you are going to relate to him as a known enemy. You are going to keep your distance from him. You know he is a predator, so you have a hostile attitude toward him. You must, for there is no such thing as a friendly attitude toward an enemy out to do you harm.

And isn’t a predator in your own home even more dangerous? Why do you have to trust him with access to you, when he has proved that he will use that access to attack you? That’s as absurd as thinking you must open your front door to anyone who demands admittance.

And if you behave today as though nothing happened yesterday, aren’t you acting out a lie? Aren’t you falsifying the relationship that exists between you and the narcissist? It’s a predatory, parasitic one, but you are acting as though it’s a friendly and mutually beneficial one.

And aren’t you ENABLING the narcissist to erase what he did yesterday? To annihilate it?

He will even talk as though it didn’t happen. He will say things that contradict the facts of the past. Are you going to let these lies pass?

If you don’t – if you contradict them – he will throw a fit, a narcissistic temper tantrum – until you shut up and let him have the last word. Which will be to deny that it ever happened.

And you don’t like fighting all the time, do you? You want peace. You hate the temper tantrums, because they’re as obnoxious as any spoiled brat’s temper tantrums. Like a three-year-old, he is deliberately as obnoxious as possible with them to make you prefer to let him have his way than to put up with that obnoxious, irrational, fit he throws to herd you the direction he wants.

But if you let his lies pass and act like it didn’t happen, you are committing treason against yourself and your children. For, you have just absolved him of his sin. You have “washed it away.” It didn’t happen.

Which means that he didn’t do anything wrong when he did it, so he has a carte blanche to do it again tomorrow.

And tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Kathy Krajco

Domestic Violence Linked to Clinical Illness

New research discovers a physically abusive relationship influences health in a far wider spectrum than initially believed.

In addition to mental trauma and musculoskeletal injuries, women abused by intimate partners suffer higher rates of a wide variety of doctor-diagnosed medical maladies compared to women who were never abused.

In the study of more than 3,000 women, researchers discovered many health problems not commonly associated with violence, such as abdominal pain, chest pain, headaches, acid reflux, urinary tract infections, and menstrual disorders.

“Roughly half of the diagnoses we examined were more common in abused women than in other women,” said Amy Bonomi, lead author of the study and associate professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University.

“Abuse is associated with much more than cuts and bruises.”

Compared with never-abused women, victims had an almost six-fold increase in clinically identified substance abuse, a more than three-fold increase in receiving a depression diagnosis, a three-fold increase in sexually transmitted diseases and a two-fold increase in lacerations.

Bonomi led the study, co-authored with researchers from the Group Health Research Institute and the University of Washington in Seattle, and published in the Oct. 12, 2009 issue of Archives of Internal Medicine.

Their research examined data from 3,568 randomly selected women patients at Group Health Cooperative, a health system in the Pacific Northwest. All women in the study consented to giving researchers confidential access to their medical records.

Women in the study were surveyed by telephone about whether they experienced any physical, sexual or psychological abuse from intimate partners, including husbands and boyfriends, within the past year.

Researchers then checked their medical records from the past year to see the diagnoses they had received from doctors in primary, specialty and emergency care settings.

The researchers then compared the diagnoses of the 242 abused women with the remaining women who had never been abused.

While other research has found a link between intimate partner violence and health, this is among the first major studies that has not relied on self-reports by women about their health status.

“We were able to go to the medical records and find out what abuse victims had been formally diagnosed with in the past year,” Bonomi said.

“These women are not just saying they are depressed or have cuts and bruises,” she stressed. “They are going to the doctor and having their problems diagnosed.”

In addition, the study improves on past work because it includes a random sample of women enrolled in the health plan, and not just women who were already seeking some kind of health services.

Bonomi noted that many of the doctors involved in treating these women probably didn’t know of their abuse history.

“For most women, abuse likely never enters into the conversation with their doctors,” she said.

The results suggest that physicians should use a “targeted screening” approach with their female patients to determine if they are being abused.

Any women who come to the doctor with complaints of depression, substance abuse, sexually transmitted disease, or cuts and bruises should be interviewed about the possibility of abuse.

“Many women may not volunteer that they are in abusive relationships, so health care providers should be suspicious if their female patients have any of these diagnoses and symptoms that occur much more often among abuse victims,” she said.

Bonomi said these results may be conservative, and that many abused women may suffer even higher rates of some health problems than the study suggests. That’s because the participants in this study all had health insurance, and research shows that women who are not consistently insured have higher rates of intimate partner violence and may have worse health overall.

(SOURCE)

Taking a Stand

• I will not allow myself to be manipulated or manipulate others.
• I will use direct communication to ask for what I want or need from others.
• I will judge others. I will judge myself too. Much lip-service is being paid these days to being non-judgmental. It’s human nature. We all make judgments every single day. They help us decide what is best for us. These judgments can be flexible and knowing that, I will continue to question and challenge my own judgments about others and about myself regularly.
• I will be assertive. I will recognize the difference between assertion and aggression.
• I will speak freely in my life and on my blog with no fear. My opinions and judgments are my own. Others can disagree and have every right to express their opinions. However, I have no less right to express mine just because others don’t agree with them.
• I will remember that my own opinions about myself, my life and anything else are more important to me than those of others.
• I will allow myself to express emotions. The good, the bad and the ugly. I will cry when I am sad. I will not be afraid of my feelings. They are mine and are only harmful to me when I stuff them. The fear of sinking into a deep dark pit of despair causes more anxiety than the emotions themselves.
• I will trust my own instincts, regardless of what others believe.
• I will face my fears and overcome them.
• I will not engage in arguments, debates or conversations with people who are unreasonable, manipulative or simply out to perpetuate their own false image.
• I will stand up for myself when I feel someone is attempting to take advantage of me.
• I will admit when I am wrong.
• I will not apologize for anything I didn’t do.
• I will not doubt myself when I am wrongfully accused of doing anything I did not do.
• I will not accept others’ opinions of me, my words or my actions when I recognize that they are false.
• I will say what I mean. I will not sugar-coat the truth when it is important that the truth be heard.
• I am not obligated to explain my decisions or beliefs to anyone. If an explanation is requested, I may choose to give one but I owe no one.

(SOURCE)

Divorcing a Narcissist

"Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true.

They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child support.

Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and compliant partners.

Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them.

Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret."

Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.

Saving Starfish

A storm resulted in hundreds of starfish being washed up on a beach.

A woman walked along and picking up the starfish one by one she started throwing them back into the sea.

A man nearby saw her do this, approached her and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I’m throwing them back into the sea. Otherwise they will die " she replied.

"But there are hundreds of them!" exclaimed the man.

"Yes" replied the woman. Then she picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, saying, "and I’ve just made a difference to that one!”.

Then she picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, saying "and to that one as well".

Why not save your starfish today?

The Emptied Soul

The following are symptoms of psychopathy as determined by Adolf Guggenbuhl, author of The Emptied Soul. It is important to note that not all psychopaths will demonstrate each and every symptom mentioned.

Primary Symptoms

• Inability to love
• Missing or absent sense of morality
• Absence of psychic development (their souls seem "static")
• Background depression (nihilistic, rather than romantic or "poetic" depression)
• Chronic background fear (suspicious of everybody)

Secondary Symptoms

• Absence of guilt feelings
• Absence of any real understanding or insight (often high intelligence, but still little understanding of emotional insight)
• Ability to evoke pity (women are often drawn to psychopaths and attempt to "save" them)
• Charm (they succeed in bewitching those around them)
• Antisocial/criminal behaviour
• Boredom
• Social Climbing (compensates with social success; those who cannot relate through love can only relate through power)

I Want to Live

The thing about this type of abuse is that it robs you of yourself. It's slow and insidious. You don't know that it's happening until the devalue and discard is taking place. It causes you to want more than anything to make things right and in any NORMAL relationship, the other partner would want to make things right.

And therein lies the problem. Narcissists don't want to make it right because they don't see that anything they have done is wrong. They feel the need to do what is best for them no matter what the consequences to the other might be. They are the most important. What they want, think, and feel is the most important.

Children, the partner....well that is all just collateral damage that doesn't really matter and is all easily replaced anyway. It's easy to throw away something that doesn't mean anything. That is the biggest thing of all.....if you love a narcissist, you are just a thing....a prop....someTHING to be used.

To read the rest of this article, please click here

Needing a Narcissist

I am not completely sure of this, and I can't cite statistics, but it seems that those abused by narcissists have a common problem -- a compelling NEED for that person. A feeling that you just cannot live without them.

Yet, when the narcissist is gone -- poof -- they immediately find that they didn't really need him or her. There is no grief or missing that person. The pain is wholly from the damage to the victim's self esteem -- not from the loss of a loved one.

And yet, renewed contact with the narcissist can start it all over again.

How does this happen? I don't really know. But I do know that narcissists go to great lengths to make you utterly dependent on them. In fact, this is one reason why they prey on their own children so heavily -- because children are the most dependent people in the world. Any kind of dependence is sought: financial dependence, dependence for moral support, and especially emotional dependence.

Instead of berating yourself for why you're loathe to divorce this spouse, parent, sibling, or friend; just ask yourself some hard questions. What are YOU getting out of the relationship? AND, do you NEED that?

It goes without saying that if the narcissist has come between you and others to isolate you (so that you have no one else to turn to for human companionship and support) re-establish those relationships pronto. Narcissists, like any predator, always try to cut their prey out of the herd. Don't let them succeed.

Escaping the Madness

“I didn’t think anything could hurt like this...”

“Yes, it hurt SO BAD. I guess what hurts about it, is that we loved, in normal, healthy ways, and expected the same kind of love back. Not only did we not receive the same love back, but we received EVIL back. Double whammy - no love back, and mean, hurtful, intentional crap.”

“In “normal” relationships, you expect the mutual love, and you expect the “until death do us part”, and you expect that one will die first, and that what you had will end, but you had some love, and happy times, and a live you dreamed of. You expect to always remember and love the one who has left the relationship (died), and to remember and feel and know that they loved you the same way - not to remember and feel that they intentionally HURT YOU.”

“I sometimes wonder why I put up with so much crap and I think I always had hopes that it would get better and that keeps us hanging in there until it’s unbearable. We finally have to give up on them to get ourselves to a position where we can take care of ourselves and quit revolving everything around them and their wants, needs and desires.

“Like it or not I have no control over people and their behavior external to myself, but I certainly have total control over how I let those people affect me and how I respond to them. Whether or not I chose to take control or forever remain the victim is certainly my choice.“

“Leaving is hard because of all that goes along with the going. It is not just the person you have to give up but your hopes and dreams and fantasies. It only happened for me in increments and I cried UNCLE often thinking if I gave it one more go I’d break through. It wasn’t until I really knew that no matter what I said or did or didn’t do this person could never love me or anyone.”

“We have to get mad, get strong, cut our losses, and totally shut them out and make ourselves available for a GOOD man, or find peace by ourselves. I fought so hard for the relationship the way it could have been (if he weren’t mentally ill), and giving that up is brutal. But it’s growth. I talk a good talk, but I’m still roadkill.”

“Well I can only tell you that it seems like you can never do it. I didn’t think I could. But I’ll tell you each day I get stronger. Each day I feel saner. But you have to go through hell to get to that point. There is no easy way. It is like ripping off a bandage. Better to just do it all at once. I now realize what great friends I have. My weekends don’t have to be filled with N complaining, N being the victim, N being misunderstood. N never thinking about me and my needs. Once you go through it you begin to come out of the fog and see what you’ve been missing for quite some time.”

“I have no contact now and he knows I mean it. The only way I have done it is to finally accept that he is totally incapable of loving anyone and that I really meant nothing to him other than to supply his needs - God is that painful. It was so shocking to let that in and so painful it literally and physically took my breath away when I began to accept that.”

“The best solution it to totally ignore them, I mean totally and get as far away as possible. To stay in the fray is to invite more pain to heal from. They have nothing better to do then to try to convince others of their “perfect image”, they have no other life outside of this and since they will stoop to any means unless you want to be dragged into the sewer with them the only solution is to get away.”

“None of us can ever hope to radically change their behaviour, they are who they are, a very sick and demented people. We can only distance ourselves by running away, far away and not looking back.”

"Be prepared for all sorts of games and manipulation, he will stop at nothing, narcissists NEVER do.”

SOURCE

How it Feels When We Reject the Psychopath

Every breath I take
Every move I make
Every bond I break
Every step I take
He’ll be watching me

Every single day
Every word I say
Every game I play
Every night I stay
He’ll be watching me

Oh, can’t I see
I belong to him?
How his poor heart aches
With every step I take

Every move I make
Every vow I break
Every smile I fake
Every claim I stake
He’ll be watching me

Since I’ve been gone he’s been lost without a trace
He dreams at night he can only see my face
He looks around but it’s me he can’t replace
He feels so cold and he longs for my embrace
He keeps crying baby, baby, please...

Oh, can’t I see
I belong to him?
How his poor heart aches
With every breath I take

Every move I make
Every vow I break
Every smile I fake
Every claim I stake
He’ll be watching me

Every move I make
Every step I take
He’ll be watching me

Personal post from blog owner

I started this and my two other blogs with the intention that they would be personal journals of my attempt to make sense of the horror that was my marriage.

However, I ended up just using what other people had written because the pain of my own situation was just so overwhelming.

I have reached the stage now where I feel able to start writing my own thoughts and feelings on the subjects that I have been posting.

I can't even remember how I came across it the concept of NPD. All I know is that for about 18 months now (starting before I kicked the monster out at last), I spent 80% of every waking moment finding out everything I possibly could, trying to make sense of my husband's behaviour and how I came to be part of such a hideous nightmare.

I read articles that made my jaw drop with recognition as he fitted the profiles so well.

I bought many books on the subject and nodded in agreement throughout them.

I had numerous "light bulb" moments before and after he left.

I've had enormous support from friends, family, doctors, counsellors etc who all reassure me that it is NOT ME, it is HIM.

Rationality, sense and logic tell me what he is. Yet for a long time I found myself sometimes doubting, questioning, wondering, sometimes even in my head making excuses for him again and thinking, "Was it me? Maybe it WAS me; maybe I DID make him like that?"

I was still on a roller coaster, pinching myself to see if I could wake up from the bad dream.

The good news is that the roller coaster of nauseating sickness, confusion and gut-wrenching pain DOES slowly but surely slow down and eventually judder towards a halt.

My estranged (soon-to-be-divorced thank God) husband spun my reality for 17 years.

And as my counsellor and other support kept reminding me, I was grieving, not for what actually WAS but for what SHOULD HAVE BEEN, which makes the grief so excruciating.

Throughout the years with him I always sensed that although I loved him he didn't really love me, even when he was in Dr Jekyll mode.

Actually finding out I was right was almost unbearable. Whilst our heads tell us the truth, our hearts find it nearly impossible to accept all those "wasted" years of anguish that pushed us to the edge of insanity.

So we look for answers to make sense of the madness and even when we find them we want to reject those answers because they are like salt on our wounds - it stops the infection from spreading and saves our life but it is agonisingly painful.

I would love to say I am past all the agony and the impossibility of properly communicating with a narcissistic abuser but I am unable to cut off contact completely because we have two children.

However, I now try to cope with his blind, infuriating behaviour by repeatedly telling myself that it’s not personal.

His continuing attempts to control me, his rages, denials, secrets & lies, excuses, threats, abuse, blame-shifting, evasion, twisting, gas lighting, crazy-making, bullying, projection, inability to empathise or feel compassion, manipulation, sabotage, inability to understand the concept of cause & effect, his not seeing that bad behaviour has negative consequences, etc etc is not about me. It was never about me. It will never be about me.

It is still all about him.

Sandra

Excuses and Empty Promises

A psychopath does not keep his commitments or obligations. He breaks his word, stands people up, abandons those who care about him at critical times in their lives, cheats with impunity, and makes promises he has no intention of delivering on to get what he wants.
Psychopaths may disappear and reappear in the lives of friends and family, causing worry and heartbreak, without ever adequately explaining what they’ve been up to. However, they always have excuses, and it is always someone else’s fault.
Psychopaths abandon their spouses and children without the slightest concern. And while many don’t commit crimes for which they can be convicted, they often live what could be termed as a sub-criminal existence, engaging in a variety of secretive and shady dealings. When they do achieve success, it is usually through causing harm to others.
Their lack of commitment to anything is evident in the many contradictory and hollow statements they make. However, they hang onto the people in their lives by promising to change, or even changing, briefly, only to revert back to their old ways in time

by Jennifer Copley

The Psalm of the Unfaithful Married Man

My whims are my master; I shall not want
They maketh me to seek greener pastures:
They leadeth me to lie in strange boudoirs.
They erodeth my soul:
I stray from the paths of righteousness for my own sake.
Yea, though I drag you through the hellish extremes of an affair,
I shall not face my actions, for you cannot make me;
My lies and evasions they cover me.
Thou preparest a place for me in your life and your dreams:
Thou enablest my weakness with love;
My cup runneth over.
Surely anger and misery shall be caused by me all the days of my life:
and I shall dwell in the House of Denial forever.

I can't remember where I found the above verse. If you wrote it, please let me know so I can add credit/link. Thanks!

Fabulous Inspiration from Susan J Elliott

"After living in Dysfunction Junction, I learned how to do things in a healthy way. Not easy and not simple…but I went on to have a happy, secure life where I have done some amazing things while the Mother of All Bananaheads is still living in Dysfunction Junction only with a new and more ridiculous co-conspirator in his craziness. So even though I was crying and walking the floors when we broke up and he went off to canoodle, I was the one who won. I was the one who had nothing and from nothing I was able to build my world and my life the way I wanted it. No consultation with others needed.

Sometimes losing everything is the key to gaining much. Especially wisdom and self-reliance."

To read the full article from a fantastic site, please click here

The False Self

A narcissist aims to trick others into thinking he's a compassionate, loving person, when in reality he isn't either of those things. This fake identity he projects to others is called the false self. A narcissist uses this as a way of gaining social approval. While many people pursue a moderate amount of social approval, the narcissist tricks others into approving of him to boost his ego. This charming, extravagant person is not real; the narcissist will portray whoever he feels is the best person to entice others. If others do not respond as the narcissistic individual wants, then he will act out on demands for attention.

A narcissistic person views receiving attention in the same way someone might view money. A person needs money in order to live; for food, shelter and other necessities. Someone who is narcissistic needs attention to feel normal, in other words, to survive. And when this person cannot get the attention he or she needs, he will act out in any way to get acknowledgment.

The narcissist will supply himself with this needed attention; the source of the supply is any individual who will provide the attention needed. Publicity is a common trigger which will cause a narcissist to act out and demand attention. The narcissist will do any number of things to gain attention, most often it will be negative attention.

A narcissistic person does not care where the attention comes from, as long as it is obtained. They need it like a drug addict needs his drugs. It is a disease that runs the individuals life and causes both the narcissistic person and those around him severe emotional pain.

If the abuser maintains contact or accountability with you and sees your hurt and pain... it gets harder and harder to convince himself of his self-righteousness. So he disappears. He is off; reaffirming his delusions that he is 'perfect, did no wrong and never hurt you' or that you are 'just as guilty' or 'asked for it' over and over and over until he can be sure they are the "truth" he believes.

Malignant narcissists deal with the dirty, rotten things they do by denying how inferior it makes them to people with integrity. They do this by manufacturing delusions of its opposite - superiority.

They do this because they are emotional children, and this is the way little children handle unwanted truth. To counter it, they just let fly a yell that says the opposite. And they think that by yelling the opposite louder and more often than the truth, they make their lie the truth.

So, a malignant narcissist's delusions of superiority are a childish way of compensating for their repressed sense of moral inferiority. The lower they stoop, the grander they pretend to be.

But of course, they have no real substance to support their delusions of superiority, so they cheat. That is, instead of showing us how they are superior, they just show us how everybody else is inferior.

This is, of course, the mentality of the rapist, who must tear others down off that pedestal to feel superior to them.

This is why narcissists malign you and treat you like dirt. It's an act, a way of PRETENDING that you are the evil one and you are dirt compared to them. All children love to play Pretend.

In denying you these things, they are denying you human treatment. And, of course, failing to treat others like human beings is dehumanizing them. Which is why You Are an Object in a narcissist's eyes and are treated like one.

But they also despise mere human beings, thinking they're gods. Both these brands of inhumanity are inhumanity. Are inhuman.

Narcissists often whine that regarding them as acting in malice is mean and nasty and dehumanizes them. But that's a non sequitur.

Even more ridiculous is their assertion that they are human because they have hurtable feelings.

Well, I'm sorry, but they can't have it both ways. They can't be a god, beneath whose feet all human beings are dirt, and be human at the same time.

Carrying ridiculousness to the utmost extreme, the notion that they are human because they have hurtable feelings would be hilarious if it weren't so pathetic.

Being human isn't having feelings for ONESELF, duh!

A dog has something closer to humanity than that. So, what level are we down to here? The level of birds, maybe? They have feelings for themselves. But, yes, even birds have feelings for others. They have feelings for their offspring and sometimes apparently for their mates. So, we are down to the level of a cold-blooded animal. Even cold-blooded animals have feelings for themselves!

Does that make them human?

Newsflash: Humanity is having humane feelings for all living souls and having human feelings for human beings. Another way of putting it: Humanity is relating humanely to animals and humanly to human beings.

Some folks choose to have it and some don't.

It is worrying that narcissists don't. Very worrying. Very, very worrying. Something for worry warts to worry themselves to distraction about. And to worry everyone else on the planet about (like a pack of wolves worrying its prey).

So, I think it's about time worrisome academia started worrying itself and everyone else about THAT instead of so much worrying about the truth hurting a brutal abuser's tender, tender feelings.

Again, I point out that thus enabling them by relieving them of THEIR responsibility does not help narcissists one bit. Academia is doing nothing to encourage them to rejoin the human race.

They think they're so smart while making this egregious error in logic: If hurting others makes you feel good, you like hurting others. If you like hurting others, you hurt them out of malice. Facing facts about the malice in the heart of a narcissist is just that, period. It doesn't hurt them. It doesn't persecute them. It doesn't mean that no one should try to help them. It isn't hating them. It's just being honest. Not clueless. Not born yesterday.

Like as we are about tigers - we know that they would love to eat us and don't pretend that they don't. It would be crazy to pretend that they don't.

If a narcissist is challenged for attempting to rewrite history, he may lash out and blame others: "Narcissistic individuals may never have learned to be skilful at public deception; they usually said and did what they liked and without a care for what others thought. Their poorly conceived rationalizations may, therefore, fail to bring relief and, more seriously, may evoke scrutiny and deprecating comments from others... Narcissistic people use projection as a defence. It's never their fault in their minds..." -- Millon

Abusers do not play fair

Abusers do not play fair

You will not be involved in an equal discussion; the cards are stacked against you; the game is fixed.

Note: For example, their statements may provoke contradictory emotions such as the feeling that no matter what you do it will never be good enough.

Abusers are Jekyll and Hyde types

You will often be dealing with essentially two personalities. You may see a kind, caring side much of the time but are then confronted with a dark, angry, loud, critical, judgmental, uncompromising side that engages in personal attacks, belittling, manipulation and humiliation.

Abusive statements are used to gain or maintain control

In my experience abusers will use anything that works to keep control; they even use rational and sensible arguments! They do not care which technique as long as they win. Note: rational arguments are something you should encourage while discouraging the other behaviour.

Abusive statements are meant to push your buttons, provoke you and throw you off guard

Things such as anger, guilt, disappointment, jealousy and regret are often used by abusers to get your goat. Note: in some cultures there is the proverb: make him stupid, make him angry.

Abusive statements are often demeaning, belittling, humiliating

If you believe what you are told, then you'll have less self-esteem.

The abuser has a hidden agenda that even he may not be aware of

The person wants to find your weak spot and then by manipulating that point of vulnerability, control you.

An abusive person may harp on certain aspects of your personality

Your vulnerabilities are most likely to be attacked. Because you are vulnerable, this kind of criticizing can be quite destructive as you may begin to believe it. Over time you will be conditioned to one of three things: either agree with the truth of what they say, do the opposite in a rebellion or avoid that aspect of yourself.

In a family there may be a pattern of mild daily abuse which culminates in a major argument every couple of days. In this case, the abuser might say, "Remember I keep telling you that you will never amount to anything? Now by your actions today it proves that you really are worthless."

Abusers may build you up and then tear you down

If you believe their build up, then they can take that away and tear you down in an attempt to gain control.

Abusers may see your love for them as a weakness

They use it as a way to control you. Such abusers may say things such as, "If you loved me, you would do xyz." Of course the obvious answer is that if that person loved you, they would not ask you to do xyz.

Abusers often put you in difficult positions

No matter what you do it will be wrong which is the ultimate control. Abusers are often demanding and very hard to please so that trying to meet their demands means that most of the time you will fail.

Abusers have set themselves up as having the right to judge you

They think that you however, do not have the right to judge them. They think of themselves as superior because they can decide your worth while you do not have enough status to pass judgement on their worth.

Abusers are bad listeners

Often they do not hear what you say, or cut you off.

An abuser often starts raising his voice

He then starts yelling when the discussion is not going the way he wants. Loud talk can often intimidate you because it is an escalation and you may have to decide if you want to expend a lot of energy arguing or simply give in for the sake of keeping the peace.

Abusers often use name calling

This is an attempt to push your buttons; most of us have one or two names that we do not like.

Abusers often will argue endlessly until you agree

You may simply get tired and give in just to stop the discussion. Note: Giving in is a bad idea because next time it will be even harder for you to win.

Abusers often distort

They have a tendency to think you said something you did not or that you meant something you did not or to forget what they themselves said.

Abusers like to bring you down to their level

You may find yourself becoming abusive in retaliation; in this case the abuser can say you are no better than the abuser. Note: Abusers are much better at arguing and winning so going down to their level means that you have lost; this is a variation of one person hitting another until the other eventually hits back.

Abusers often distract

They tend to bring in all kinds of grievances that happened a day ago, a week ago or a year ago that have nothing to do with the current discussion. They love distractions.

Abusers often cannot keep to the issue at hand

This is especially true when they might lose the discussion; they may try to change the subject or decide they have to leave or there's suddenly something else they must do

Abusers hate to have you set limits or boundaries

If you attempt to set limits or boundaries, they will give you a million reasons why that is not possible. For example, instead of agreeing to help you when you need help, they will qualify it with a lot of 'if ' statements (if they are not busy, if they are feeling well, etc.) so that when the time comes to ask for help, they always have a way out.

Abusers love to set limits and boundaries on you

They will try to lock you into agreeing to do things for them with no if ands or buts (see above).

Abusers often turn tables

If you say “what I do is never good enough” you may find that the abuser says the same thing back to you a week later just to prove to you that you are also an abuser.

Abusers often say the opposite of what is happening

You might be told that “you have changed” when it is the abuser's behaviour that has changed, markedly.

Abusers often engage in 'crazymaking'

When you are told to do two opposite things and then chastised because you did one and not the other, this is an example of crazymaking.

Crazymaking is a guaranteed way to control someone because you can never be right. If a person requires two opposite things from you, point out that this is impossible and that you cannot do this.

Here is an example from an old joke:  A mother gave her son two shirts. At a family gathering the son made a special effort to wear one of these to please his mother. When he arrived, his mother was angry. "Why?" he wanted to know. "Because you did not wear the other shirt,” she replied.

Crazymaking can happen in a variety of ways. For example, in a discussion a person might say two opposite things. You are lead to believe that he changed his mind and you accept the last statement as what was meant. But later in the week, when the issue comes up, he says, "Well, I already told you such and such" which was the first thing he said. In short the discussion with you was set up so that no matter what happened the person can say that he did what was agreed. Note: 'crazymaking' really will make you crazy after a while

Abusers often make things up

They might say that they already agreed to something that they had not agreed to or say that they apologized for something that they never apologized for. They may say you did something that you never did. While it will make you look like a hard-nosed nit-picking person, insist that they tell the truth, demand proof and don't allow these fictions into the discussion.

Abusers often expect instant compliance with their needs or wants

The implied threat is that otherwise they will abuse you. Quick anger and insults often are the result of not giving abusers what they want immediately. One sign of an abusive relationship is that the abuser has a quick and loud temper.

Abusers will be very resistant to doing what you want.

They give you a million reasons why they can't do that. When you want something abusers always have something more important going on; they would "love to help you but....”.

Abusers often use threats

In many cases you might be told, "It’s my way or the highway." While this may be a hollow threat, it is often used as another tool in the abuser's tool box to get you to comply

Abusers often see things in black and white with no shades of grey

The purpose of a negotiation is to find a middle ground, a compromise. Yet abusers can be quite inflexible, insisting that their way is the only solution and refusing to see any other possibility.

Abusers can make you very defensive

You may find yourself defending what you're doing without even realizing it; abusers like to put you in this position because it is a position of power.

Abusers may sulk

The cold quiet treatment is often preferred by some. This allows the abused person to read in all kinds of meaning while the abuser says nothing and thus feels that he cannot be accused of doing anything wrong.

When abusers criticize, they often do it to push your buttons

Mixed in with real problems and disagreements may be veiled criticisms of you and your behaviour that have nothing to do with the truth, but are designed instead to push your buttons so that you can be manipulated. You should always question whether a criticism has any basis in fact or is simply a way to control you.

Abusers often do not understand your feelings

Abusers may not have empathy, sympathy or understanding of your feelings. On the other hand, abusers will expect you to understand their most delicate emotions.

Adapted from SOURCE

Malignant Narcissists

In a nutshell a narcissist is someone who has become hypnotized and entranced by their own inflated self-image, using others as objects to satisfy their own need of self-promotion. The narcissist believes he is the main character in his own movie. Everyone else has a supporting role - everyone around him becomes a 'type'. So the goal is to become the one with the most power and control. 

Hence, narcissists can be dogmatic ("adultery is immoral!") and hypocritical ("well, she came on to me, and you were ignoring me at home") all at the same time. There is no right and wrong for them except when they decide there is, if it benefits them or makes someone else look bad.  

When narcissists do something illegal or immoral they don't actually think what they're doing is wrong - they're saying, "I know it's wrong but if you understood the whole situation you'd understand". Narcissists never feel guilt, shame or sin.  

A ‘malignant’ narcissist, however, is a narcissist who reacts sadistically to others who don't support and enable their narcissism. For example, reacting with ruthless contempt for anyone who disagrees with them, always denying the accusation, trying to deflect blame and trying to destroy the messenger.  

Ultimately, a malignant narcissist wants to annihilate anyone who in any way threatens their illusory self-image and self-serving agenda. At their core, a malignant narcissist’s desire is to dominate and have power over others. 

The perverse enjoyment of complete domination over another person(s), which involves transforming a person into an object in which their freedom is taken away, is the very essence of the sadistic drive. Their sadism is a way of transforming their feelings of powerlessness and impotence into an experience of omnipotence.  

A malignant narcissist hasn’t developed a sense of their own authentic self, which is why they are unable to be in genuine relationship with a significant other. Psychologically, malignant narcissism is a very primitive and un-evolved state.  

Because they don’t relate to other people as independent and separate from their own inflated, narcissist self, the malignant narcissist doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries. Their self-serving, narcissistic illogic allows them to justify, even in the name of God, transgressing other’s boundaries. Interestingly enough, etymologically, the word 'evil' is related to the word 'transgress'.  

Malignant narcissists are unable to feel empathy for others, have an overwhelming lack of genuine compassion, care only for themselves (therefore, are unable to genuinely mourn), and are indifferent to other people’s suffering, all the while though professing their compassion. If they show grief, however, as master manipulators, it is only done if it is seemly to do so and to their advantage. They are a true ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing.’  

Malignant narcissists can seem confident and self-assured, but are, in reality, covering deep insecurities and fears through an inflated self-image. Intense feelings of revenge, fury and rage verging on insanity manifests when their fear is exposed, and their narcissism threatened.  

At the core of their process is self-hatred, as malignant narcissists split-off and dissociate from a part of themselves. Jung talks about this condition by saying it may even result in “a splitting of the personality, a condition in which quite literally one hand no longer knows what the other is doing…..Ignorance of one’s other side creates great insecurity. One does not really know who one is; one feels inferior somewhere and yet does not wish to know where the inferiority lies, with the result that a new inferiority is added to the original one.”  

A malignant narcissist falls into an infinite regression of being in denial about being in denial and hiding from their own lies. A malignant narcissist is continually in a state of hiding from himself. Malignant narcissists have contempt for and flagrantly violate the rule of law, which, in their inflation, they believe themselves to be above. They can endlessly ‘talk’ about taking responsibility, but they never genuinely face up to and become accountable for their actions.

Malignant narcissists are unwilling and unable to experience their sense of shame, guilt or sin. This inability to consciously feel their ‘negative’ feelings is at the root of the dynamic in which they dissociate from their own darkness, blaming and ‘projecting the shadow’ out there onto some ‘other.’ They 'split-off' and project out their own evil which results in them always having a potential enemy around every corner. This is why malignant narcissists tend towards paranoia. 

Malignant narcissists continually ‘need’ an enemy and will even create new ones to ensure that they don’t have to look at the evil within their own hearts. Malignant narcissists have a sadistic ‘willingness to kill’ so as to protect their own self-serving delusions, which makes them particularly dangerous, as they will literally stop at nothing to hold onto the position of power they find themselves in.

SOURCE

Register Plan For Domestic Abuse

BBC news 8th March 2009

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7931374.stm

Profile of Men Who Batter

Jealousy of Partner

Men who batter almost routinely accuse their partners of having other sexual relationships. Slight evidence is sufficient to fire their imagination. A van parked across the street was proof enough for one client's partner. Another accused his wife of fellatio with another whenever she suffered flu symptoms. Such intensely irrational jealousy may arise from the man's own insecurities and projection. He may be having sexual liaisons outside their primary bond himself. Objectification of women is a third contributing factor.

Control and Isolation of Partner

Perpetrators of domestic violence will go to extreme lengths to isolate and control their partners. One woman was not permitted to go into her backyard because her husband called every hour or two. If she did not answer on the first ring, she might have been beaten. Nor could she talk to anyone else by phone, because her husband could hear a busy signal. This woman, like many others, was not permitted to go anywhere alone. Counselors repeatedly hear about this kind of severe isolation. While the male who batters tends to be a loner, he enjoys the company of his own family and friends. Neither is permitted to her.

Jekyll and Hyde Personalities

Men who have a problem with violence exhibit drastic personality changes. Much of the time, they are gentle and loving husbands and fathers. This is the personality with which the woman fell in love originally and continues to love. Periodically, sometimes in rather predictable cycles, he seems to metamorphasize into an ogre. Some men display their Dr. Jekyll side to the public consistently. Mr. Hyde emerges only at home. This is doubly treacherous to the partner because others do not believe her when she speaks of monstrous acts.

Explosive Temper

A most trivial happening such as failure to balance a checkbook or burning the toast can trigger a beating. In other cases, there is no apparent precipitating event. Many women have been pulled from bed while sleeping soundly and beaten. A frequent response of the victims is to attempt to be the perfect wife and mother. An oft-repeated lament is, “I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.”

Legal Problems

The Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence (ICADV) explores the circumstances of abusers whose victims took refuge in shelters in July and August of 1981. Fifty-six percent have been involved with the law because of their violent behaviors. Arrest records from other areas of their lives are not uncommon. This high percentage may represent a shelter bias.

Projection

A man who batters is a master at blaming other people and external events for his own behavior. A life-long pattern of avoiding the consequences for his behavior effectively limits his sense of personal responsibility for his destructiveness as well as suppresses any motivation for change. The partner becomes a surrogate punching bag. Therefore, when a battered woman says, “He needs me,” she is right in one sense. If he can project his faults onto her, thereby not having to deal with them himself, he is able to perpetuate his own blameless state.

Verbal as Well as Physical Abuse

An enormous amount of verbal abuse accompanies physical abuse. A barrage of derogatory labels such as “stupid bitch”, “ugly slut”, or “cheap whore” are heaped upon the victim. Mind games are rampant. Some verbal abuse is less obvious to the abused party. It can be so subtle that the woman is unable to identify the intent of the words. She accepts this judgment that her housekeeping is sloppy, her childcare lax, and she is a hopeless, unappealing drudge. Her self-esteem slips even lower.

A History of Family Violence

Forty-two percent of the abusers of those victims interviewed by the ICADV were abused as children. Fifty-three percent had seen violence in their homes. Of those who had witnessed violence, 75% had seen their fathers beat their mothers. To the researchers, these findings indicate that battering is a problem both for families and for society generally.

More Violent When Partner is Pregnant or Soon After She Gives Birth

More shocking to observers than the other characteristics is the observation that the batterer is more violent when the partner is pregnant or soon after the birth of their child. This leads to speculation about “womb envy”. Men who batter seem to want to impregnate, yet not necessarily to father or nurture their offspring. It is not unusual for them to tamper with their partner's birth control measures or to assert that they had vasectomies when they have not. A recurring theme is, “If you would have my baby, or one more baby, then our problems would abate.” Yet, wife-beating has been called the “poor man's abortion”. Women have had miscarriages or stillbirths after savage attacks by their mates. Does envy of woman' procreative power become a force for male violence?

Denial

“I didn't hit her,” or, “I just pushed her a little bit,” are almost universally uttered denials. Sometimes, awareness of his own behavior is so totally repressed, that he will notice his partner's injury that he inflicted the previous evening and ask, “What happened to you?” Indeed, one of the most crucial aspects of treatment for men who batter is to help them get in touch with their violence. When they acknowledge the truth of their past behavior, they may encounter within themselves a backlog of guilt and revulsion of themselves so overwhelming that they either fall into depression or regress into deeper denial.

Cycle of Violence and Contrition

Often it seems that the male who batters purposely is trying to drive away his partner. When he succeeds, he will go to great lengths to retrieve her. He may abduct the children, cry real tears, bring flowers, promise to go to counseling everyday (“If that's what it takes”), vow to stop drinking, and tell her that he needs her and can't survive without her. These actions are very convincing. Each time she leaves, and then returns, the cycle escalates. The violence becomes more severe and the contrite state becomes craftier. She, sadly, reinforces his behavior by believing him and attempting to resume life with him.

SOURCE

NSPCC DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CAMPAIGN

http://www.nspcccampaignwall.org.uk/

Dangerous Love

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00j2d9s/Dangerous_Love_A_Comic_Relief_Special/

The Control Freak

The CONTROL FREAK JERK is the opposite of the inattentive jerk in jerk world. His jerkness is less obvious to people outside the relationship, especially when his life seems conservative and admirable. Don’t be fooled, because he is as much of a dickwad and is just as selfish as any other jerk.

The inattentive jerk is quite proficient at playing people so he could not care less if he’s suckered you; there are plenty of suckers to play. But the control freak jerk doesn’t make a sport of playing people. He seeks to collect his power by other means. His sport doesn’t involve fake intimacy with a stream of people. Instead, he makes his sport out of controlling you, and only you.

The inattentive jerk doesn’t focus on you; he distributes his jerkness among many, so leaving him isn’t hard. Leaving the control freak jerk takes much longer once he has his hooks into you, which can cause much more serious psychological damage. His sharp focus is on you and how you can serve him. He rewards loyalty and severely punishes disloyalty.

I spent several years living with a control freak jerk who tried to control everything in my life. Being very young and insecure when I hooked up with him, I admired the way he took control of every situation with confidence and assertion. His overwhelming control of me became quite evident to my family and friends as he isolated me more and more from other people. But because my family and friends were not capable of identifying emotional abuse, and because he was so hardworking and successful, I was left to my own devices in realizing the disfunction.

His control method wasn’t physically forceful, but his tactics were just as abusive. He decided what were doing every evening and weekend. He decided when we ate and what we were eating. He decided when it was time for bed, when it was time to wake up, and when it was time for sex. He even corrected my grammar when I spoke. We either did things his way, or I had to do things on my own and be made to feel like a horrible partner. This effectively squashed any attempt at having control of my own activities. It got to the point where I often gave up suggesting activities because I knew he wouldn’t be happy and would start laying on the guilt. I became unhappy but resigned to a life of serving him.

The most enjoyable moments during the later period of my relationship would be when he traveled out of town on business. During those trips, I was free of his daily control. I could sleep late, sleep in, play dress up in my outfits, and surf the Internet all I wanted. I feigned missing him because he would sulk if I didn’t. I feigned excitement in his return to avoid an ensuing guilt trip for not being happy to see him.

You wouldn’t think a college graduate like me would fall prey to such abuse. But when you aren’t secure with your own abilities for emotional survival, and you don’t know your own boundaries, you just easily accepted what your abuser tells you is love. I wasn’t confident enough to take responsibility for my happiness and allowed the jerk to control my emotions.

As with any other relationship with jerks in my life, I was NOT AT ALL the victim here. I allowed it, so it happened. My way of justice was to become the female equivalent of the jerk. I lied, cheated, and stopped seeking joy in a genuine connection. Looking back, I am not proud of those years. Two wrongs didn’t make a right - they made a ticking time bomb. I wasn’t being true to my nature of desiring a loving relationship. I was settling for unfulfillment, and it felt like crap. I built up so much resentment that my exit was worthy of the hatred that I cultivated for his control.

Whew! This is a serious post. It’s hard to portray such a serious topic light heartedly. The jerk who blatantly lies, cheats, and mooches is easy to make fun of because they are obvious losers to so many. But the jerk who is hard working, successful, and provides for you is not easy to pass off as a jerk. His jerkness is more subtle as he continues to pay attention to everything you do. You feel guilty for hating him, and feel you owe him your devotion for his apparent devotion to you.

If I’ve just described a situation similar to yours, RUN DAMMIT….RUN! Your relationship is outright disfunctional. The control freak jerk sees you as prized property, something he posseses, but won’t give him fulfillment. You are probably no higher than a loyal dog in his eyes. Don’t trade in your freedom for safety and security. You are no one’s pet. You will not be damned for leaving him. And trust me on this final tip….no matter how much he tries to make you feel like you will destroy him if you left…HE WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU BECAUSE HE’S A JERK, and jerks easily find replacement for lost property.

SOURCE

How can you tell if you are being abused?

This may sound like a silly question to the outside observer, but it isn't. It seems like surely a person would know if they were being abused. There would be hitting and cruelty, obvious cruelty.

Not necessarily. Some of the most accomplished abusers never touch their victims. Remember the movie What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? The sister played by Bette Davis relentlessly abuses the sister played by Joan Crawford. It's blatant and subtle together. And we discover at the end of the movie that the Joan Crawford character has been abusing also, but in the most subtle and secret of ways.

Emotional abuse can be so subtle, so hidden, that those outside the abuse circle find it impossible to believe. The people inside that circle may even doubt their own perceptions, partly because the abuse is subtle and partly because the abuser helps them doubt. He insists on it. Part of his abuse is planting and nurturing self-doubt in his victims.

So how can you tell if it's happening to you? If any of the following are happening, you need to wonder. If several are happening, abuse is what it is.

* You automatically feel a sense of dread, fear, or unease when a certain person comes home from work, or enters the room. Or you have a nonspecific sense of needing to protect yourself or others when they approach

* You have recurring physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, rashes, or diarrhea at or after times of interaction with or proximity to certain people. For example, before or during trips with them you experience symptoms you do not experience when travelling with others.

* Someone else in your family is being abused. If someone close to you is being abused, you are being emotionally abused. You are experiencing feelings of fear, hate, shame, powerlessness, guilt, and  remorse, all created in you by the abuser. Abusing a child is a favorite way for abusers to abuse indirectly a parent or grandparent.

* You find your circle of activity getting smaller and smaller. You are becoming isolated progressively from your friends and loved ones. You no longer do many of the things that once gave you pleasure. You don't go where you used to.

* You notice that you do not feel as competent as you did before you began associating with or began a relationship with a certain person.

* You don't take as good care of yourself as you did before the relationship.

* You don't express your opinions or feelings as much as you did before. It doesn't seem safe, they now seem unimportant, or would only cause trouble.

* You catch yourself altering your thoughts to please or avoiding displeasing another person.

* You find that you can't seem to succeed at something simple like being on time when you are with the person you suspect of abusing you.

* The other person in the relationship has two standards of behavior, one for the outside world where he is well respected and competent, and another for home.

* The other person is secretive about his personal life and asks you to help maintain fictions about it.

* You have, in the middle of or after an argument or episode the uncanny feeling that you have been there many times before, that you know how it will end, and that it will recur again.

* Your friends or loved ones express concern about the other person's efforts to control you, or his unfair treatment of you or your child.

* Things or experiences that are precious to you are "trashed" by the other person. Or possessions that are special unaccountably disappear, or are "accidentally" broken or lost or damaged.

SOURCE

Confusion

The greatest sign one is in a narcissistic relationship is the confusion. The victim is often very confused as to what is really happening and will even take personal responsibility for the insanity.

Narcissism is seldom obvious, but always destructive. It is a destructive force in the universe seducing and destroying everything in its immediate path.

The following eight reasons why people remain in abusive relationships might give you some compassion toward yourself and some clarity with respect to your predicament.

1) You hope, wish and truly want your partner to change.

2) You consciously, and unconsciously, have shouldered fault for his/her behaviour.

3) You have limited resources and question your ability to carry-on on your own.

4) There are children involved and you know it will be harder being his/her ex (the enemy) than it is being his/her partner and alleged "friend."

5) You think it is your "Job" to keep the family together till "death due us part."

6) Your family, and his/her family, wants you to keep the elephant under the carpet at all cost.

7) In your mind, you are not abused .the title is beyond your wildest dreams about yourself.

8) YET you know from the core of your being that the moment you leave the danger you currently know will escalate, significantly.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not as easy as one my think as an outsider looking in. So allow all of your misgivings about doing so come to the surface and sort them out one by one.

You are not alone. Your exit is not simple. But in the long run once out of an abusive relationship, you will breathe a sigh of relief and glow from the core of your being.